Society Charter

This document was written and adopted by the founding members at the first meeting of the Society on January 7, 1997. Any revisions or additions are so noted in the document by an appended date.

The Ancient and Honorable Bibliophilic Society of Oak Park (AHBSOP)

To read and discuss books.

John P. Morris

Gary R. Strokosch

Robert W. Karrow

Russell J. Fee

Jonathan Alpert

1. All decisions are decided by unanimous vote.
2. A quorum shall be required to conduct business and shall consist of four.
3. The annual meeting shall be conducted in official robes and wigs.
4. Officers shall be elected at the annual meeting.
5. All business must be conducted in secret.
6. The secret password is the name of Geronimo’s 2nd cousin.
7. Each member shall come to the regularly scheduled meetings with two suggestions for the next book to be discussed by the members at the next meeting.
8. No more than two members shall have previously read any book being voted on for selection at an upcoming meeting.
9. A prominent person shall be invited to each monthly meeting.
10. The response to a query about secret business shall be:
11. We are a secret society. I have sworn an oath of silence.
12. Monthly meetings shall be scheduled in advance for the year.

1. Any new member(s) joining the society must have the approval of all of the founding members.
2. Any new member(s) must be literate, as determined by all of the surviving founding members.
3. Any new member(s) must buy the first two rounds of drinks for the surviving founding members at the first meeting attended by the new member(s).

(adopted March 25, 1997)

1. In the event of variable costs of the chosen book, the sum of all copies of the books shall be divided by five.
2. Books shall be chosen by Ancient and Honorable Members in order, alternating among all Members equally.
3. Books shall not exceed 500 pages in length; books greater than 500 pages may require additional reading time.
4. Members shall be informed of future book selections at the meeting two months in advance of the discussion of said book.
5. Members shall attend all Society meetings; unexcused absenses shall result in ridicule.
6. Meetings shall occur monthly on secret days of the week, in secret locations, under an impenetrable veil of secrecy.

(adopted October 22, 1997)

Read the superior judgement in AHBSOP v. The Fugitive Eye, an historic case determining the precedent for procurement, below.

This report represents the arguments set forth in the unprecedented ruling on ancient and honorable procurement law.

In this first statement, Brother Karrow, Chairman of the Book Procurement Committee (BPC) of The Ancient and Honorable Bibliophilic Society of Oak Park, writes on October 14, 1997:

Fellow Bibliophiles,

As chairman of the Book Procurement Committee, I write to inform you of the status of the orders for our next book, The Fugitive Eye, by Charlotte Jay. This title is unfortunately out of print, but after much combing of attics and scavenging of used bookstores, the Committee has managed to locate four copies of this title at prices ranging from $5 to $20, plus postage. These volumes are at this very moment speeding their way towards Oak Park from all points of the compass, viz. Hyannis, Mass., Albuquerque, New Mexico, and Neche, North Dakota—the last a town of 450 about a mile from the Canadian border (they had TWO copies!).

The more quick-witted among you will have noticed that the number of copies of this book which have been ordered is one fewer than the members of this august organization. Some of you may also have thought, “Hey! I ain’t payin’ no twenty bucks fer no damn mystery book!” Several ways around these dilemmas suggest themselves. Perhaps one of the more affluent members would actually WISH to own the rare hardcover edition of this novel (in dust-jacket, mind you). Alternatively, two members might jointly buy the $20 volumes and take turns reading. Or, two members might buy one of the paperback copies and tear it in half, one of them reading the story from the beginning and the other from the end; yet other scenarios can easily be imagined.

As soon as the volumes are in my possession, I will immediately disseminate them. Brothers Alpert and Strokosch have already indicated that a shortage of reading time makes early delivery preferable, and, unless there are strenuous objections, I shall approach them with the first copies. But this imbroglio points up a larger problem, to wit: unless our books are readily available, choosing the next title at the previous (secret) meeting of the society will not always allow sufficient time for the leisurely reading and reflection that we wish to bestow upon it. I therefore suggest, for your consideration, that we adopt a policy of picking a book TWO months before the meeting at which said book will be discussed.

I am,

Your most humble and obedient servant,

R. Karrow

In response, John P. Morris, Mascot to the Four Patriarchs of The Ancient and Honorable Bibliophilic Society of Oak Park, writes on October 15, 1997:

Dear Chairman, BPC,

Praise and high approbation be heaped upon you for your success-laden efforts to secure our November literary selection... as well as admiring commendation for the many charming and witty turns of phrase in your letter of October 14. Well done on all fronts, noble Patriarch.

As to the question of how five shall read four... I have, I believe, a practicable solution. I shall be pleased to share. Perhaps Russell could study the volume first, then turn it over to me. I know that he is a fast reader. I have seen, with my own eyes, how quickly he moves his lips while scanning the printed page.

As to the question of how five shall pay for four... I have, I believe, another practicable solution. Let us take the total cost of the four volumes, divide by five, and all pay the same!

But then (you doubtless wonder) what of disbursement of the four volumes, one of which is a rare and handsome dust-jacketed hardcover edition? I have... yes... yet another practicable solution. We shall hold a special drawing at the convening of our next secret session! All names (those of the Four Patriarchs and their hairless mascot) shall be inscribed upon small pieces of parchment prepared for the occasion. These shall be entered into a golden bowl (or other such conveyance as may be available on location). The names shall then be drawn—plucked from the bowl, as it were—by the hand of a virgin* in the following order:

1. Paperback copy
2. Paperback copy
3. Rare and attractive hardcover edition with dust-jacket
4. Paperback copy

And what of him whose name is left after four withdrawals? He shall, it is true, depart without a volume. But what of it? Will his fond recollection of the evening's festive air be diminished? I say, “Not at all.”

Ponder these solutions. I must go.

Yours truly,

John P. Morris

Mascot to the Four Patriarchs

*Note: Unless the Patriarchs strenuously object, I do not feel we should necessarily insist on the condition of virginity in the matter of the plucking of names from the golden bowl... unless such credentials may be readily verified in a manner which will not prove troublesome to those entrusted with the procurement of same. Thank you.

In a final summation, Brother Karrow writes on October 15, 1997:

The recent communication from our beloved (though not notably hirsute) colleague (I shall not call him “mascot” which I deem unnecessarily degrading) seems to me, as always, pregnant with wisdom and understanding.

His solution to the various problems relating to the number, distribution, and pecuniary obligations for our November selection are indeed Solomonic.

I urge we accept his judgment in this matter. As to the means of selecting the member to receive the hardbound, jacketed and, thus, most bibliographically desirable copy, I stand in awe of his imagination. The Golden Bowl! The Virgin (or reasonable facsimile thereof)! Truly, he hath a noble brain and golden tongue!

But, my friends, I wonder if it is not unrealistic to think of discussing The Fugitive Eye on the 4th November next, as none among us has yet seen, let alone read a word of said volume. Again today my mailbox failed to produce the hop’d-for parcel, and I fear our books, rather than winging their way here from North Dakota and other distant parts are coming rather in the van of courieurs du bois, perhaps even now slowly absorbing rain water beneath a fir tree in the wilds of northern Minnesota. Had we not better think of The Fugitive Eye as our DECEMBER selection, leaving the coming weeks for our anticipated viewing of the cinematic epic Seven Years in Tibet? I am told said feature is playing even now at the Lake Theater.

Let us cogitate, my friends. Adieu!

Robert W. Karrow